false alarm. still invincible.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
