so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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