Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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