I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
