that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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