Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
