I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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