hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
