have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
