Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
