You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
