Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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