Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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