birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
did i walk over a car last night?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
