IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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