So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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