so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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