Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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