Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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