Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I want to fling myself into the sun
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
