I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
