You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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