i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
