no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
