Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
