Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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