all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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