if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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