So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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