Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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