My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
