I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
