very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
