it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
