I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
