Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
