U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Rumble strips road head = magical
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
