My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
