wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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