im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
