I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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