Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
