Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize