I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
