The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
