i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
