I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
