Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i came on her dog
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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