dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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