Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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