Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
