I want to make a zoo with you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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