New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize