dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
