Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
