last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize