I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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