Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
