Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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