What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
