I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
